After the Setting Sun
A postgrad diary of sorts
4 Days Post Grad
I’ve had a lump in my throat for days that won’t go away. My eyes keep doing that thing where they fill up, and I blink fast enough to push it back down.
Four years, and now what?
No spring break on the calendar. No 90 Wednesday. No fall break, no finals, no game days marked in my planner. The scaffolding came down, and I’m standing in what’s left of it, not totally sure what I’m supposed to do next.
I keep telling my mom it all feels so weird. That’s it. That’s the whole description I’ve been able to come up with. She’s patient about it, which I appreciate, because I’ve said it maybe forty times in three days and she keeps responding like it’s the first time. She tells me it’s a transitional period. That it will feel like this for a while. But how long is a while? What’s the unit of measurement? Do I just wake up one morning and the lump is gone and I know what I’m doing?
I remember being dropped off at Webb Tower in August 2022 and genuinely not being able to picture the end. Graduation was this abstract thing, something that happened to older people, people who had it figured out. I was eighteen, walking around campus the Sunday before school started, memorizing where my classrooms were so that I wouldn’t look lost on the first day. And now I’ll never sit in one again.
The last four years weren’t always what I’d imagined. There were hard stretches. Lonely ones. Moments of feeling like a fish out of water, like I was making all the wrong choices, like I had no idea who I was or whether any of it was working. And then, sometimes in the same week, moments so full and warm and exactly right that I couldn’t believe I got to have them.
That’s the thing about college. It holds contradictions. It’s somehow a curated bubble, and a rehearsal for real life, while also holding some of the most real and raw moments of your life.
Grad week was a blur of parties, power naps, and probably one too many cocktails.
The fun was never-ending (and I seriously mean it. I’ve never gotten so little sleep), until my parents left, my roommates started moving out, and countless goodbyes were said.
I’m a USC alum now, which still sounds like someone else’s sentence. I’m still the girl who went to find her classrooms the Sunday before freshman year so nobody could see her look lost.
A few weeks ago, I came across a song, and I haven’t been able to get the lyrics out of my head. It’s the perfect backdrop to all the emotions I’ve been feeling, and the many cries in the shower.
When you least expect it
When you’ve reached the end
There’s a door that opens up
After every setting sun
And when you step through it
With nothing left to lose
Leaving only memories of
All the days you filled with love
I’m afraid I don’t know how to say goodbye
I don’t know what comes next. For the first time in my life there’s no guaranteed next step, no classes waiting in August, no spring break trip to plan. It’s terrifying and also, maybe, a little bit exciting. I’m trying to let it be both.
After every setting sun, it rises again, as it has for billions of years.
1.5 WEEKS POSTGRAD
As much as I would love to be gallivanting across the beaches in Greece and prancing through the streets of Portugal, the universe had other plans. I’m still a bit bitter I’m not eating toro in Tokyo or visiting temples in Kyoto, but the stars didn’t align for a post grad trip for me. I’m choosing to believe I’ll be drinking wine in various European cities with fabulous friends soon enough. Anyone want to book a trip???
Each day here I seem to be saying bye to one more person, which is heartbreaking in it’s own way. I’m trying to remain present and grounded, and redirect my focus to the many blessings I do get to experience! I’ve been spending time with the few friends left around SC eating sandwiches on the beach (exhibit A), trying new restaurants (exhibit B), and binging Off Campus (exhibit C).
My days have been long in a way I'm not used to. No alarms, no schedule, just open time to fill. This should sound like a gift, especially coming from someone who always is complaining about being overwhelmed and stressed with no down time. HOWEVER. I have verrrryyyy quickly realized I don’t do well with large swaths of unaccounted time. With two books finished and a developing tan, I’m content but bordering on beginning to get stir crazy.
Add in the impending doom of not having a job lined up (it will come, I know — but that doesn’t extinguish the anxiety) and postgrad is starting to seem quiet scary.
The saving grace? An impromptu venture to the Sunset Sessions, a live music event at the Penmar Golf Course. Walking in and seeing people of every age enjoying the night, talking, laughing, sprawled out on blankets, gave me a sense of excitement. I never believed college was my peak, never thought those were the best years I'd get. But it can be hard to see potential in the future when you’re still mourning a time you’ll never get back.
3 WEEKS POSTGRAD
I traded LA’s June Gloom that burns off by noon, for Miami constant drizzle and horrific humidity. However, time at home is worth it to catch up with family and friends, and finally not have to swipe my own credit card everyday (thanks mom!!!!).
Being back home is always an interesting amalgamation emotions, I have an extremely love/hate relationship with Miami (one that probably warrants a deep dive in my journal or a scheduled therapy session). A boat day will never fail to make me appreciate growing up in Miami in all it’s f*cked up glory.
Maybe this is growth, but this time I don’t feel as if I’m regressing into my teenage self. Home cooked meals and lots of shopping have me feeling satiated and satisfied, but my tan is fading and I’m itching for that LA weather.
Highlights from my time in Miami have included reuniting with highschool friends, visiting a Thai restaurant pop up at Patch of Heaven Sanctuary (the most serene escape from urban city life), and some increeedddddiibbllleeeee vintage market finds.
After my flight lands Tuesday at 8:15pm in LA, I have no idea what the next month will hold. But I do know this: the sun setting on one chapter only means it rises brighter on the next.
You will find your way in this world and it will be fabulous.i have no doubts.
I teared up through the whole read and had a lump in my throat